I’m not supposed to send you any more email because last email I had said it was the last one, but I have to write you again because I can’t take your theories.
I’ve finally finished my study, and I can finally deal with you. During the last 7 months, it was the hardest time in my life. I study English language teaching. I wrote “native and non-native English speakers” for my dissertation topic. The topic was made before you decided to leave. I’ve developed a severe depression because I can’t get you out of my head. How could I when I wrote a topic that kept reminding me of you and your theories? Your sudden leave and your theory and my stressful study made me unable to cope with my emotion. You did nothing wrong, you just chose the wrong timing to leave. You are the first trigger of my emotional collapse. I sought for a counsellor, but my counsellor asked me to go to a GP to get medical treatments first, and then would talk about my history after I felt better. I refused the medication, and I never went to my counsellor again.
When people decide to leave someone, they just leave, they don’t even care what might cause to other people, except for the death that no one can avoid. I was the same, leaving without thinking the consequence to others. But I won’t do that again because I don’t want to leave someone a trauma. Do I remind you something? An emotional trauma, a sudden leave?
When ordinary people have a friend who is suffering from an emotional trauma, they tend to tell this friend not to talk about it again, not to think about it again. They are, in fact, thinking for this friend’s own good because they don’t want this friend depressed. But instead, this friend learns to hide his trauma, avoid facing his trauma, but he knows it is still there, never solved.
When psychiatrists or psychologists have a patient suffering from an emotional trauma, they try to dig out his history, the source that causes him the pain. And then they carefully treat this patient, they want this patient slowly communicate with his past so that he can learn to accept the truth or forgive whomever has given him the cause.
Which kind of person are you?
I love psychology. I always want to study psychology. Now I come to you, to communicate with my past. I may get nothing in return, but I need to make things clear.
Your theories — First, what did you mean by “You’re the dirtiest girl I have known”? What did you mean by “the dirtiest”?
I can’t take this. I sexed with you because I loved you. I showed you the sexual side of me because I loved you. I don’t show any guys that side of me if I don’t love or have feeling for them. I sent you “pictures” because you “taught” me you liked them. It was “you” teaching me to touch myself, it was “you” teaching me to talk about sex “freely” and it was “you” wanting me to tell you my “fantasies”. Why should I be called “dirty”? I love and enjoy sex as much as you do, but that doesn’t mean I’m easy or dirty. Can I call you “dirty” as well? Or actually, should I call you “disgusting”, “you’re the most disgusting guy I’ve ever known”? How do you like that?
I loved you, so I had sex with you. I loved you, so it was normal for “you” talking about sex to me and I did the same to you. You might say “dirty” in your dictionary is a good word, but in mine, it is not. Do you really consider “dirty” as a good word? “Slut” as well? Or “dirty” and “slut” mean girls you can play and dump them when you feel bored with them? Criticising you or attacking you is not a big deal to you anymore because you believe in yourself. You don’t really take the criticisms about you seriously anymore. But do you mind I apply the way you described me to “your mother” as well, the only person you feel very attached to? Or have your biological father called her “dirty” before? I don’t know why I should deserve to be called dirty from someone I’d loved. I’m not someone easy or dirty. I had sex with you “because I loved you”. I don’t even care if you like me to say “I loved you”. First, I’m nothing to you anymore, why should I care if you like these three words or not. Second, you’re pathetic, because you could be loved as much as I love my family. No, I didn’t love you more than I loved myself, but I loved you as my family. Family is a part of me. Family is not just I love, but I protect and care for. When friends of mine criticised you, I protected you. When you were sick, I tried my best to take care of you. “Family” might sound even heavier than “love” to you, but it’s a feeling when you truly love someone. “I love you” may be too easily said to be valuable, but the love I gave you was never a lie. Do you fake your love for your mother, your the only family you consider? I suppose not. And that is true love. A true love doesn’t restrict on “any kinds of relationships”. I live in a single parent family house. I consider my landlady and her children as my family in England.
Second, when you asked me to sex crazy with other guys, what did that mean when I told you I didn’t have sex with others, you said to me, “I’m glad you didn’t” over Skype. I didn’t sex crazily was not because I was stupid, it’s because I respected my body, and I respected you, too. Your body was your business. Whether or not you wanted to respect your body, none of my business. But I did not and do not accept having a relationship with other women sexually involved. It’s not stupid to have this idea, it’s called “normal”. If you really agreed on having a relationship with many people sexually involved, why would you said to me “I’m glad you didn’t” when I told you I didn’t sex with others after you asked me to? Why? And, why would you call “that woman” as a “bitch”? You know whom I’m talking about. I always wondered what had happened in your childhood so that made you unable to believe in love or, I should say, having sex with many women at the same time was correct. You were actually afraid of being hurt, weren’t you? Or you wouldn’t say to me “I’m glad you didn’t”. What’s that supposed to mean?
I know how much you love your mother. Only stupid people wouldn’t notice how many times you talked about, read about, thought about and supported “German” or “Germany”. I learned to know the great amount of love you gave your mother, and that made me admire her very very much. A very young mother experienced her child’s father left her, and raised her son alone. But she’s very fortunate because she finally met your stepfather who truly loved her, and also you, I supposed. I remember one time in the class you said that your mother gave birth to you when she was 17, and you added, “which is stupid”. Having you and keeping you is never stupid. You are a precious gift for her.
I may not fully know you and your childhood because I’m not you, and I don’t have my parents separated. I don’t know why every time when I talked about my family, my parents, that would make me feel guilty. First, my parents were not and are not separated. But I stay with a single parent family in England. My landlady may have problem with the money issue, but the thing that can’t be denied is she’s a brave and strong mother. She never wants to stay in England, but because of her children, she has no choice. The big girl is lovely and thoughtful, but the younger girl always likes to ask her sister, “Why isn’t there anyone in my family loves me?” The big one would say, “We are sisters. We love each other, and Mum loves us, too.”
I don’t know if it is similar to your mother or your situation, but I’ve learned that single parent is the strongest person, and it is true that one of the parents’ leave would cause an emotional trauma not only to the person who stays but also to the children.
Second, I had a very protective family, and that made me unable to prove everyone, including you, that I was an adult woman and I could do everything on my own, just like you, just like every adult. I’m very much grateful for my parents’ financial support for me to study in England, but I have never ever taken using their money for granted. And it’s my time to pay them back. I don’t have a wealthy family, and “I” am not rich. Why would I feel this way? Because you always taught me using my parents’ money was correct, and you said their money was my money. But you’re so strange, when I bought you meals in London, you said to me, “Thank your father”. I don’t understand your theory, really. Yes, thanked my father, and I was very grateful of my family’s support. Even though you taught me the theory of using my parents’ money, I had never taken it seriously. But I can’t stand that someone I loved only knew that I was a spoiled person. I am not.
In fact, I don’t take using anyone else’s money for granted. When you visited me in London, I had many times asked you not to pay for me. Do you remember before we left the hotel, you gave me a handful of changes? I donated all of them to a charity when I reached London Victoria train station. There was a caner fund raising at that moment. You are making decent money now in Dubai. It was fine for you to be a gentleman, but I couldn’t stop wondering if this was the way you bought prostitutes in Dubai. Why again? When you invited me to visit you in Dubai over Skype, you said to me, “We can find another woman”. What did you mean “we”? I don’t play that sort of game. And why didn’t you say that “we can find another guy”? I could satisfy with two guys at the same time, but you only have one thing. I was not a prostitute, and I am not even now, and will never be. I loved you, so I sexed with you. I’d rather you gave those money to charities if you indeed treated me as a prostitute. I was happy I could help people who truly needed the money when I donated them. You should feel happy too, because those were your money.
Third, the way you showed me you were a person against racism after we finished watching the ballet DVD, you asked me if there’s any black ballet dancer. I don’t know if you were truly an anti-racism, but to me, you were still taking your pride of being a “white”. Remember we were in the cinema, before the film started, we were arguing if I needed to go back to Taiwan to gain my teaching experience, and I questioned you if you had had any teaching experiences before you came to Taiwan. You said no, and then you added, “Because I’m white.” I said to you, “That’s not fair!” And then you didn’t argue back anymore, why? You knew I was right, didn’t you? What’s that supposed to mean “because I’m white”? And in fact, it’s not the first time you lowered my self-esteem and social status of ”being an Asian or a Taiwanese”. When I pronounced “Oasis” incorrectly, you corrected me. And I told you my friend taught me to pronounce in that way, and then you replied, “Because your friend is stupid.” There were many times you liked to call my friends stupid. My friends and I are not born in an English speaking country, we make mistakes in English, but we do not deserve to be called stupid. In fact, you “whites” make mistakes in English sometimes. Then should I laugh out loud when I spot you whites’ English mistakes? I was writing “native and non-native” issues for my dissertation. I brought a journal with me to London. You were so unaware what kind of issue I was reading. You only said to me when you saw the title, “Non-native… It’s you!” I can’t deny Taiwan is a racism country, and that’s why I don’t feel like to go back to teach. Just take that wage issue as an example, that’s super unfair! What’s more, when I asked you if you could take pictures of your cooking, you immediately refused me and added, “Only Taiwanese people would do that.” I immediately corrected you, “Asian people. Not just Taiwanese.” In fact, everyone around the world takes pictures of food. You’d better not take any pictures of food, or you are just being a jerk to yourself. No one makes you a jerk. Speaking of taking pictures, I actually didn’t believe your theory that you didn’t like friends taking photos of you. I was just not allowed, I don’t know why you didn’t allow me, but I respected you. If you said no, then that’s no. It’s the “respect” I gave you, not because I was stupid to believe your theory.
ballet and football knowledge.
I remember every detail because I’m a sensitive person.
You did nothing wrong, but I’d rather you directly told me you needed a fuck buddy rather than an open relationship. It indeed would make you sound a jerk, but at least I wouldn’t pay that much love and “care” for you. You knew my understanding of English was limited in Taiwan, and you played the words with me.
When you said to me we had nothing to talk about “during” the trip, and then you changed your mind, so it was “after” the trip. I might be very quiet because I had a childhood trauma that shaped me to become an observant and sensitive to people and the surroundings. I don’t tend to talk first often because I’m afraid of people’s judgments. I used to like to be a leader, but what had happened in my childhood totally changed me. I became apologetic even if the faults were not mine. I don’t like face-to-face arguments because I’m afraid of conflicts. But that doesn’t mean I can stand swallowing all the misunderstandings. Stephen Hawking says, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.” And you said to me, “Be careful. People might take advantages from you.”
You. You had no one to blame but yourself of my quietness as well. You gave me so many rules and restrictions not to talk about your life, your daily happens or even your behaviours. You told me you didn’t like people watching what you did or what you were doing. You told me you didn’t like public display of affections. I worship freedom and enjoy control free. I didn’t know how to act even if we were in a private place. I wouldn’t hug you until you opened you arms to hug me first, I wouldn’t kiss you until you did it first. I didn’t bother to ask anything about your private life if you didn’t tell me first. I was very careful not to offend you, and in fact, I “respected” your ideas, but I didn’t know not being chatty was one of the reasons that I bored you. It was so unfair to me. What could I really do when you gave me so many restrictions?
If your visiting me in London and paying the bills for me was being a gentleman, I’m very grateful. When I have a very tight budget now, I realise I can’t travel to other European countries without a job, so now I’m looking for a job. I learned how much you paid to come to visit me. I really thank you, and am very grateful. But if your visit was only to firstly accomplish your dream of travelling around the world, and secondly I offered you a convenient sex, treating me like a prostitute, then fuck you!
I don’t know if you ever loved me or had feeling for me. If in your mind you only wanted to play me, then you found the wrong person, and you should be blamed. I don’t use any guys if I’m not ready to love again, not even if I have sexual desires. I don’t know what you guys think about sex. I’ve had many times being asked for one night stand when I was only walking alone to the supermarket or seafront. I don’t know what exactly I look like, but I really wonder if I really look “dirty” or “slutty”, just like you described, so nasty guys like to stop me and ask me for one night stand. That made me really uncomfortable. And your “the dirtiest” theory comes in my head again and again. I don’t want to be called dirty. I don’t.
I don’t regret I loved you and I don’t regret I gave you my body, but I regret we did not have enough communications to let you know my thoughts.
5 Oct 2012 12:18