It had been a long time I had not grabbed a book to read since I came to England to study. The heavy and stressful study made me have no attempt to read any more books that I did just for relax and pleasure. Instead, I would try to avoid every possibility reading any ones rather than sleep and do nothing all day when I had a few days break after finishing each of my essays.
The Reader, the book, the only book I took with me from home when I came to England. I had had it for a long time, but I had not got any chance to read until now.
After the indignation and grief of my relationship with him, and also after all my essays had done, except for my dissertation, I set off a trip to Oxford, and The Reader I took with me because I thought I could kill that three hour journey on the train. I read nothing of it on the way to Oxford but on the way back home. I finished it within total two days, which broke my own record, which I just realised my study and the English speaking environment had trained me to read faster. I know it is a light book with only 200 pages, but considering the time when I was back in Taiwan, I read faster now.
Before reading the book, I have watched the film back in Taiwan and had a basic idea of the story. In fact, just because of the fact that I knew the story and the relationship and sex in this book, I tried to avoid reading it especially when he left Taiwan. It hurt when I read, heard or saw any love, relationship and sex, but that time I only had sorrow without any anger for his leaving because I had been told he would be leaving; and I gave my blessings to him. But this time is different. It was him saying we would keep in touch before he left Taiwan. It was him keeping me away from him after he left London. He controlled everything.
From Oxford to Reading, from Reading to Gatwick Airport and then Gatwick to Brighton, I transferred one stop to another; it made me unable to sleep on the train for my tiredness of whole day travel. I took out the book in my bag and faced the pain when I was nearly reaching Gatwick. The train stopped at Redhill, which was one more stop to Gatwick. I knew the train was stopped, but did not notice the announcement by the captain and all the leaving passengers on the train with me. I was really into reading the story and did not realise the train had stopped for too long. When I realised it, no one was left on the train but me. I was standing on the train by the door confused because I was not supposed to transfer at Redhill. Thank that a conductor or a captain, whoever he was, saw me confused and informed me to change the train across another platform. Thank him really, because I nearly missed the train to Gatwick.
Okay, stop talking nonsense about myself and the journey, and get it to the point of the book.
Now I mirror myself as Michael Berg, and Hanna Schmitz as him. When the first time I watched the movie, I blamed Michael for not saving Hanna in the trial. I stood aside to see this movie, I did not have so much emotion for the feeling of Michael’s pain and anger. But things changed, I read the story with different feeling now. When I read the first part and had the image of Michael’s not saving Hanna, I totally understood why he did so. The pain, the grief, the anger and the hatred seemed to me that Hanna deserved all the punishments for abandoning him. What he was to Hanna, whether he was a tool for making pleasures and sex to her or she did love him, was never clear before the trial. He loved her passionately, but she remained cool to their relationship. They began to fight, but because of the fact that he was afraid of losing her, he always apologise for anything even if the faults were not his. Taking out the trial and the murder of her, he might be young, innocent and unexperienced in a relationship, but what she had done to him was unforgivable to me. Wanted him at this moment, she made him appear in front of her. Did not want him next moment, she kept him away from her and blamed all the faults on him.
Michael thought it was his guilt that he never admitted her because of their age gap, that morally he should not have had an affair with Hanna, but to me it was not his fault. It was Hanna who seduced him first and made Michael desire more. He was young, innocent and unexperienced. Any kind of this desire start would make him want more, especially he had love for her.
He read for her for love and sex. He would do whatever she wanted because he loved her.
He left and kept me away from him, and then deleted me on Skype. I did not have any chance to say anything, not even complaints. He agreed that I have done nothing wrong to him. He selfishly judged my life was not moving on when he had never asked how stressful my study was. My life was moving on and on the schedule. I was only seeking for a little warmth from him when I was stressed with my work, just like the times he felt stressed and asked for the warmth from me. I was there for him every time because I loved him. The last two letters he said we had nothing to talk about “on” the trip, and then later said “after” the trip, and accused me for the wrong of loving him. Every single time when I recall he deleted me, I feel angry and sad, but that’s not enough to describe my anger and sadness. It is something more, it is the pain. As I said, I did not read it until on my way back to Brighton. The avoidance of reading it was because I did not want to face the pain.
Michael could not have a relationship and marriage with anyone because of Hanna. The pain brought a great impact on his marriage. He could not love any women anymore.
To be continued.
Just about Serena... 